Cops & Robbers
by Editor-Bug
Summary: When Mr. Mackey is robbed, he calls upon Officer Barbady and Sgt. Harrison Yates to find the culprits. And it turns out that Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are the main suspects! But did they really commit the crime? ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like!


"Step one, instead of 'ass', say 'buns, 'like 'kiss my buns', or 'you're a buns-hole'," sang Mr. Mackey as he strolled down to the teachers' lounge.

When he reached his destination, he got a quick cup of coffee, then opened the cabinet below the coffee maker. As usual, his...well, you know, would be waiting for him- -  
Wait.  
Mr. Mackey felt around the back of the cabinet again. He reached behind the tin of coffee grinds.

"No..."

Desperate, Mr. Mackey threw everything out of the bottom cabinet.

"It can't be gone!"

Principal Victoria entered the room to see the school counselor was wildly flinging things around. "Mr. Mackey, what on Earth are you doing?!"

"It's gone!"

"What is?"

All the stuff was cleared out of the way. It...it was gone.

"NOOOOOOOOO! M'kay!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm glad you came in, Sergeant Yates, m'kay," greeted Mr. Mackey.

"Well, I'm glad you called, Counselor Mackey," the police officer replied. "What seems to be the problem?"

"An item VERY precious to me used to be kept at this school! M'kay! And now it's been stolen!"

"What was it?"

Suddenly, Officer Barbrady opened the door to the counselor's office. "Okay, I'm here, Mr. Mackey! You sent that diabetes kid to get me?"

"Uhm, my name'sh Shcott Malkinsshon," Scott whined from the hallway.

"Yeah, yeah," Barbrady closed the door. "What's all the hubbub, bub?"

"Look, something has been stolen from me, and I just need you two around to give the school higher security, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said impatiently. "And keep a lookout for the thief. Or THIEVES."

"But what's been stolen?" asked Officer Barbrady.

"Does it matter?!" Sergeant Yates spat. "We have to keep this school tight as a double butterfly knot, Barb-beardy!"

"It's Barbrady!" The fatter policeman pulled out a walkie-talkie. "And shouldn't we call for back up?"

Harris grabbed his wrist. "NO TIME, LET'S GO!" They were out the door.

"...m'kay."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Alright, dough boy," Sergeant Yates began out in the hallway. "I don't like you, and you don't like me. But that doesn't matter, because we're gonna have to work together to protect thus school. Just keep to your side of the school."

"Wh-Why don't you like me...?" whimpered Officer Barbrady. "Also, I never said I didn't like you..."

Yates ignored him and walked away. So, the stakeout was on.

XXXXXXXLUNCHTIMEXXXXXXX

Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Token, Craig, Clyde and Tweek were having lunch together, when Cartman slammed his hand down on the table out of nowhere.

"Mm!" he grunted as he swallowed. "Hey, guys? You know those- -" He went into a coughing fit, as everyone just stared at him.

Kyle rolled his eyes and smacked Cartman on the back. "Don't forget to chew, honey."

"Shut up, and don't touch me, Kahl," Cartman coughed some more, then relaxed. "Phew. Okay. You guys! You know those cops that just sit around the school? Like, we're fourth graders. Why the fuck do we need cops watching us?"

Sergeant Yates came out of nowhere and said, "On school grounds, the term is 'authorized law official', kid, show some goddamn respect!"

"Okay!" Cartman said in alarm.

The children waited for Yates to back off before going on, more quietly.

"Yeah, why do we need authorized law officials on school grounds?" asked Kenny.

"They've got GUNS! They could shoot up the school at any minute!" Tweek blurted out. Everyone shushed him, which he flinched at.

"Don't give them the idea, dumbass!" scolded Token.

"Well, Token, if I were you, I'd be the most concerned," Cartman chimed in. "Because, y'know."

"...why?"

"Y'know."

"...what?!"

"You're black, Token. You're black."

"Stop talking about the police like they're just a bunch of racists, Cartman!" scoffed Kyle.

"Yeah, the police force always has our safety at heart and they're not racist!" Stan said sincerely. "What does it really matter if every person they've killed in the past year has been black? Maybe those people shouldn't have committed the crimes!"

(A/N: the fictional opinions of these fictional characters on police brutality do not in any way reflect the opinions of the non-fictional author.)

Token stared at them all with his mouth open. "...I'm outta here." He stood from the table and left.

"...what was that about?" asked Stan.

"I dunno," replied Kyle, turning back to the table. "Anyway, why would the police be here? We aren't criminals."

Craig looked around the table suspiciously. "Well, that depends, did anybody steal anything?"

Slowly, all the looks turned to Cartman, who was glaring at Kyle. Finally, he noticed the stares.

"What am I gonna do, steal a fucking textbook?! JESUS!"

"That's a good point," Clyde admitted. "Besides, it could be anybody in the entire school, not just us."

"Anybody..." Cartman rubbed his chin(s). "Time to assert my authoritah..."

He got up and waddled away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For the rest of the day, Sergeant Yates was constantly on the alert, watching the halls with squinted eyes. The sounds of a struggle caught his attention.

"Butters!" yelled Cartman, with his hands at the blond boy's collar. "You better tell me what you did, or the co- -...authorized law officials, are never gonna leave!"

"But I d-didn't do anything, Eric!" Butters choked out. "Honest!"

"Drop the kid!" Yates cocked his gun.

Cartman's eyes widened. "You're gonna shoot me?!"

"If I have to, now drop him!"

Cartman released Butters, who began pleading.

"Mr. Police Officer, please don't shoot Eric! O-Or if you DO have to shoot him, please don't aim for his wiener!"

"I won't..." Yates put the gun back in its holder, then pulled out some handcuffs. "But this little bugger's comin' with me!"

"Why?!" asked Cartman, as his hands were cuffed behind his back.

"Oh, my!" gasped Butters.

"You're a suspect of theft!" The officer declared. "Trying to cover your own ass by blaming an innocent child; for shame."

"Hey, Butters isn't innocent!" Cartman objected. "He h- -"

"AY! Tell it to the judge!"

With that, Cartman was dragged away.

"Ohh, hamburgers..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Stan squirmed as he was shoved into the principal's office. "Hey, why the hell are we going to the office too? Cartman's the one who stole shit!"

"Yeah!" agreed Kyle. "Just because we hang out with him doesn't mean we were involved!"

"I'm sorry, kids, but that mean orange-haired man told me to bring you in," Officer Barbrady said sincerely.

"I'm gonna kill that bastard." murmured Kenny.

The boys piled into the office and sat down next to Cartman, shooting him hateful glares.

"Why are you mad at ME?!" he asked furiously. "I already said I didn't do anything!"

"Oh, please, Eric!" Principal Victoria rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows that if someone committed a crime at this school, it was probably you! And chances are that your friends are involved!"

" _What_ was stolen?"

"Mr. Mackey claims that's classified information."

Stan groaned."Cartman, if you did this, you better admit it!"

"Yeah!" agreed Kyle. "Don't rope the rest of us into your mess!"

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU GUYS I DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!"

"Alright!" Officer Barbrady spoke up. "The best thing to do is to take all the children into custody until more evidence is gathered."

"Wait, what?" said Kenny.

Suddenly, he, Kyle, Stan and Cartman were all chained together by the ankles.

"Oh, godammit!" Stan tugged at the chains.

"Kenny, can you step back a bit?" Kyle asked politely. "I wanna punch Cartman and you're in the way."

"None of you have any right to be mad at me!" defended Cartman. "Butters was the one who- -"

"That's enough lip outta you!" Sergeant Yates popped out of nowhere again. He pulled out his taser and shocked Cartman.

"OWWW-W-W!"

"Uh, isn't that a bit extreme?" Barbrady asked.

Yates ignored him. Again. "Alright...we can hold the criminals at my house while we continue the investigation."

"Yayyy, sleepover!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time they all got to Sergeant Yates's house, the boys were tired as they'd ever been. Turns out being chained to three other people really puts a strain on walking. And neither Yates nor Barbrady had taken a car to the elementary school (since it wasn't too far from the police station), so they had to walk the WHOLE way.

"Please..." Kyle panted. "Let us rest..."

"And some sparkling water...would be nice..." wheezed Cartman. He got tased again. "Owww!"

"No food or water for any of you!" snapped the detective. "But since it's late, you can all sleep on the couch. I've got to 'tend to' my wife if you know what I mean. Barbrady, secure the suspects."

"Aye-aye!" the officer saluted.

The four exhausted boys flopped onto the couch as Yates made his way upstairs. Officer Barbrady draped a big red blanket over them and pulled out a storybook.

"This book is called 'Everybody Poops'," he announced, showing the boys the cover.

Stan stared blankly at it. "Officer Barbrady? Why are we being put into custody? We really didn't do anything wrong. For once."

"Yeah, the criminal justice system of this country is frighteningly flawed," added Kyle.

"Oh, I'm sorry, kids. That's the law for ya."

"You should just let us go," suggested Cartman. "Think about it. If we were free, we could go look for who really did it and clear our names!"

"Heyyy, yeahhh!" Barbrady glanced upstairs. "But what about the mean man?"

"Who, Yates? He doesn't have to know about it," assured Kenny. "I mean, who's gonna tell him? I'm not. Are you?"

"No, I'm not!" Barbrady happily pulled the key to the chains off of his belt and leaned down to unlock them, but stopped short. "...Heyyy, waaait! When the mean man comes back, won't he see that you're gone?"

The boys all glanced at each other. "Uhhh... no...?"

Barbrady gasped and recoiled his arm. "You little tricksters! No bedtime story for you!" Then he turned out the only lamp in the room, making it pitch black, and got comfortable in an easy chair. "Good NIGHT!"

The boys groaned in defeat.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later that night, Cartman woke with a start. He couldn't see anything in the dark, but he could hear a bunch of snoring. He nudged Kenny to wake him up, then shushed him. The two shook Stan and Kyle awake.

"Ready?" whispered Cartman. "One, two, three!"

All at once, the boys shoved the blanket to the floor and slid off of the couch.

Kyle felt around for the front door. "Here it is!"

Suddenly, the lights turned on and the boys all screamed.

Officer Barbrady jolted awake. "Huh, what?!"

"AHA!" exclaimed Yates, who was standing in front of the door. "Caught you, you lil' hoodlums!"

"Ew." Kyle yanked his hand away from Yates's dick, which he had mistaken for the doorknob.

Yates ushered the kids back onto the couch. "Barbrady! Thanks to YOU, these kids almost escaped with my premium chains! Clearly, you are NOT cut out for this mission!"

"Y-Yes, I am!" Barbrady said defensively. "We just need to, uh, get some information from them! That's something we do, right?"

"You mean interrogation. Oh, I love this part."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Damn you, ANSWER ME, kid! Where were you at the time of the robbery?!"

"Eatin' pussy for breakfast," Cartman replied for the umpteenth time. Kenny burst out laughing.

Yates slammed his hands down on the dining table. "Dammit, punk! I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAMES!"

Barbrady fiddled with the lamp he had jammed into the kids' faces. "Can we turn down the light a bit? This is agitating my lazy eye. And can we open the curtains? Lighting like this is bad for your pupils...also, I have to go to the bathroom."

Yates ignored him and snatched the lamp away, this time directing it at Stan.

"YOU! You've been awfully quiet, buddy! Ya got something to hide?!"

"Can we leave now?" Stan asked, bored.

"DAMMIT!" Yates bellowed again. "This kids aren't cooperating! It's time to take extreme measures! We TORTURE the little bastards!"

"Um...I think that's a little too drastic..."

"Well, what do you know? You're hardly even a cop!"

"UH, I have a badge!"

"Quickly, while they're distracted!" Kyle whispered to his friends.

The four of them stood from the table and scurried out of the kitchen. Unfortunately, once they reached the door, the two officers noticed their absence.

"Hey, get them!"

"SCATTER!" Kyle ordered once more.

The boys attempted to do so, but of course, they were chained together, so they just sort of fell on top of each other.

"Kyle, you're the worst," Cartman remarked.

Sergeant Yates approached the boys, brandishing his taser threateningly...

"STOOOP! M'kay?"

Just then, Mr. Mackey burst in through the door.

"These boys are innocent!" he declared. "I've found the real culprit, m'kay?"

Everyone present gasped as Butters guiltily stepped out from behind the counselor.

"BUTTERS STOTCH?!"

"I KNEW IT!" exclaimed Cartman.

"No, you didn't!" snapped Kyle. "You thought it was Token!"

"No, really, you guys! NOBODY let me explain!" Cartman stood. "I saw Butters with a key to the teachers' lounge after lunch yesterday! I TRIED to tell Mr. Zap-happy here, but he cuffed me instead!"

Yates chuckled sheepishly and put his taser behind his back.

"I must've dropped my key the other day, m'kay? And Butters here decided to hold onto it!" explained Mr. Mackey.

"The guilt was killing me!" cried Butters. "I didn't mean to steal! Honest! And I was gonna return the key!"

"Yeah, yeah, we'll take care of it at the station." Officer Barbrady unlocked the boys' chains and handcuffed Butters.

"Okay, that's all well and good...but can SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT GOT FUCKING STOLEN?!" bellowed Stan.

Mr. Mackey looked like he was about to cry. "...it was just a magazine, m'kay?!"

"A magazine?" Kyle repeated, enraged. "You called the police over a damn stolen MAGAZINE?!"

"Must've been a really special magazine," giggled Kenny.

"Whatever!" snapped Cartman. "I'm outta here!"

"Right behind you," Stan followed after him.

As the boys and Counselor Mackey filed out of the house, Yates turned to Barbrady.

"I'm sorry, man," sighed the sergeant. "I take full responsibility for the mix-up. Maybe if I'd stopped and listened to you, this all could've been avoided."

"Nah, I wasn't doing a good enough job," said Barbrady. "I should've just done what you said...wanna read 'Everybody Poops'? It's a great book."

"Sure!"

* * *

(A/N: JESUS CHRIST Finally done! I started writing this since before Officer Barbrady lost his job! I'm so late. Still, I think this turned out pretty okay, even if I kinda rushed my revision because I wanted to post this already.

Also, like most of my South Park stories, I started writing this before Season 19 started, and by then I was too lazy to go back and alter the parts with Principal Victoria. So yeah

Well, I hope you enjoyed the story! Please review and fave if you did, and be sure to check out my profile! Au revoir!)


End file.
